I am a fully-grown adult and I am a geek. Despite actually having money to spend on useless merchandise, I find myself cursing the products that are available – they are all designed for children. Ever so slowly, we’re seeing more merch for adults, and even more slowly, for women (I have boobs! They simply don’t fit into men’s t-shirt cuts!).
Among the companies finally twigging to this large audience ready and willing to part with their cash is Loot Crate. Since 2012, Loot Crate have been curating epic boxes of geekery for their subscribers. If you haven’t heard of Loot Create, already subscribed, or at least looked forlornly at your account balance while desperately wishing you could afford it, I have to ask… where have you been?
If I could have my very own dream crate, what would it look like? I love badass female characters as well as female content creators, as evidenced by my work on the Breaking the Glass Slipper podcast. So it felt only natural to focus my dream crate on the awesome women we meet in TV, film, and games. As such, I would like to suggest a dream crate dubbed ‘SlayHer’ with the following epic (and very much imaginary – at least, currently imaginary) merch:
Buffy’s scythe cheese knife: ‘Every girl who could have the power, will have the power.’
If you think you know someone who doesn’t like cheese, you’re wrong (even those of us who are lactose intolerant love cheese, we just don’t love what it does to us). They are a pod person. The invasion has begun. Drop everything and run. I’ll wait.
Next time you go to present a cheese board to your house guests, wouldn’t you love to be able to do so with an epic Slayer Scythe knife? Umm, yeah, no brainer.
Orphan Black clones figurine: ‘The first rule of clone club…’
What if you could have a figurine that wasn’t just one version of Tatiana Maslany/Sarah Manning, but all of her clones? After all, sometimes we have days where we feel far more like Helena than Alison (don’t pretend you never have Helena days, we all do…). This is definitely a pie-in-the-sky piece of dream merchandise. Different hairstyles, outfits, accessories for whichever clone you’re feeling like on a particular day. And if I’ve got Rachel sitting on my desk, that’s code for ‘warning: do not approach’.
Dana Scully FBI travel wallet: ‘There has to be a scientific explanation for this!’
As an Aussie living in the UK, with friends all over the world, I do a lot of traveling. I end up carrying loose papers of itineraries and hotel bookings, multiple passports, and so many frequent flyer cards it’s insane. What I really need is a wallet that will keep everything neatly in one place. And what better way to do that than with a travel wallet that looks like Dana Scully’s FBI badge wallet?
Meryl Silverburgh’s dog tags: ‘That’s the second time I’ve been able to sneak up on the legendary Solid Snake.’
One of the most legendary game franchises, Metal Gear Solid, also features one of my favourite female badasses (at least, in the earlier games when she actually wore clothes instead of the most ridiculous outfits for fighting that barely covered anything…).
Meryl doesn’t have the epic reputation of Snake, nor does she have such a twisted history, but she is a highly skilled and reliable soldier. She calls out Snake for viewing her through the male gaze and takes every crisis in her stride. Who, man or woman, wouldn’t want to wear this woman’s dog tags? And don’t forget to include her codec in case you want to call: 140.15.
Stranger Things t-shirt: ‘Our friend has superpowers and she squeezed your tiny bladder with her mind.’
One of the most popular shows this year also embraced gender equality, reminding TV watchers that women make up half of the world’s population. And these women were flawed, interesting, and real. From the unjustly forgotten Barb and the embattled Joyce, to truth-searcher Nancy and super-powered Eleven, the women of Stranger Things have given us all kinds of life goals. Let’s wear them proudly!
Women in comics poster book: ‘All you have to do is have confidence in your own strength.’
Since this is a dream crate, I am going to put licensing issues to one side. What I want is a poster book of great art from across various comic imprints: Marvel, DC, Image, Dark Horse, Valiant, and more. There is some truly beautiful art in the comic book world. What better way to celebrate the characters we love and the artists who bring them to life than by covering our walls in their images?
So that’s what I’d like to see in my dream Loot Crate. What about you?